Should We Open Our Relationship? 5 Things Gay & Queer Couples Must Know First

Should we open our relationship? This is one of the most common questions I hear from gay men in my practice and in real life. Whether you've been together for years and you’re monogamous (but curious) or things have gotten a little stale and you’re hoping this might fix it. Or maybe one of you is way more ready than the other. 

Monogamy and non-monogamy both come with challenges and rewards. I’m not here to judge or tell you what’s right - You get to decide what works for your relationship. Full disclosure, I am in an open relationship myself, so I know what can work and have personally navigated many of the challenges I will be discussing here. 
 

If you’re considering non-monogamy, here are five essential things you need to consider before opening up:

1. It Won’t Save Your Relationship

If you're already struggling with communication, trust, or intimacy- non-monogamy won’t save you. It usually amplifies what’s already there. Jealousy, resentment, insecurity - those don’t come from being open, but they can grow if the foundation is shaky.

There will be those couples out there who will experiment with opening up the relationship in a last ditch effort to make things work. Those are the folks I usually see in my office in lots of pain a few weeks or months down the road.

That said, opening up can be a tool for deeper connection - if you're willing to talk honestly, face fears, and use the process to grow together. 

2. It Will Stir Up Emotions

Even with the best intentions, feelings will come up. Jealousy? Probably. Insecurity? Almost definitely. Compersion? Sure, eventually. Hopefully. And sometimes loneliness, competitiveness, even grief. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re stretching the relationship container. That stretch can bring novelty, freedom, and even healing from shame - but only if you're talking about it. And not just once - consistently. You’ll need to update each other regularly. Not just about sex, but about emotions, boundaries, and needs.

And let’s come back to compersion for a minute. This is one of the hardest things for some people to latch on to. It’s the idea that if your partner is experiencing pleasure or joy, you can love that for them. Sometimes it can even turn you on.

So many of us have been raised in this culture of heteronormativity and monogamy. It’s ingrained way down deep that if we share our partner with others only danger can come of it. But that’s a scarcity mindset. What if we approached romantic relationships with more expansion? What could be possible?

3. Make Agreements - and Expect to Revisit Them

This is where many couples get stuck. You sit down, open Google Docs, and make a list of “rules” - no sleepovers, only while out of town, condoms only, don’t fall in love…And two weeks later, real life happens.

Maybe one of you gets more attention.
Maybe feelings come up unexpectedly.
Maybe what felt fun suddenly feels threatening.

Here’s the truth: agreements are essential - but they’re not static. You might start with “no sleepovers,” and find that reality plays out differently. That’s natural.

Your agreements need to grow with you. And sometimes you won’t know something is a boundary until it's crossed. Don’t treat it as failure - treat it as information.

It’s also important to talk about relationship structures. These are all types of consensual non-monogamy, meaning everyone is on board and opting into the type of relationship you’re practicing. Some terms to know:

• Monogamish: mostly monogamous with occasional play or inviting in thirds
• Hierarchical vs. non-hierarchical: who has decision-making power?
• Polyamory: is emotional connection allowed?
• Throuples or triads: are you open to a shared relationship?
• Relationship anarchy: no labels or rankings

You don’t need it all figured out, but shared language and consent are essential.

4. Keep Nurturing Your Relationship

This gets missed all the time. When you open up, it’s easy to focus on new partners and forget to invest in the relationship you started with. Your original relationship still needs intimacy. Still needs eroticism. Still needs nurturing.

When people open up, they often put so much attention on their external connections or other partners— that they forget to water their own garden.

Schedule date nights. Cuddle. Make each other laugh. Tell him he looks hot. Keep flirting. Keep up the weird inside jokes and the play and the fun. Otherwise, what was meant to bring expansion might just accelerate disconnection.

5. You Can Always Close It Back Down

Opening a relationship doesn't have to be forever. You can try it and decide it's not for you. Or take a break and re-center. This needs to be part of the initial conversation - knowing you have the option to close things gives you more freedom to explore safely.

I’m not saying it will be easy to close things down, but it’s an option.  And be very clear about that together from the get-go.  

So... Should You Open Your Relationship?

Only you and your partner can answer that - but I hope these 5 things give you a more grounded place to start the conversation.

Opening a relationship is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It can bring new energy, deeper self-awareness, and expanded intimacy—but it can also surface insecurities, test boundaries, and challenge long-held beliefs about love, commitment, and self-worth. What matters most is that you’re making the decision consciously, collaboratively, and with care.

if you are having these conversations and need guidance, I wrote a whole book to help you navigate it. It’s called The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men, and inside, I give you frameworks, scripts, and real-world tools to talk about sex, commitment, conflict, and yes — non-monogamy.