Being an LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapist (Part 3) Making a Repair as a Therapist

In our previous discussions, we tackled the importance of how to find support to do your best work. As therapists, we are constantly learning and evolving, and sometimes, that means making mistakes. The ability to acknowledge and repair those mistakes is an essential part of ethical, effective therapy.

We strive to create a safe, supportive, and healing space for our clients. But let’s face it—we’re human. Mistakes happen. Whether it’s misinterpreting a client’s emotions, offering advice that misses the mark, or unintentionally saying something that triggers a reaction, there will be moments when we think, “I think I messed up.”

The good news? These moments don’t have to be catastrophic. In fact, they can be powerful opportunities for growth, connection, and modeling healthy repair—a skill that’s especially valuable for couples and relationship therapists. In this post, we’ll explore how to navigate these moments with grace, humility, and professionalism.

It Happens! We’re All Human

First, let’s normalize this: Every therapist makes mistakes. Whether you’re a seasoned professional or just starting out, there will be times when you second-guess yourself or wish you’d handled a situation differently. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad therapist—it means you’re human.

The key is not to dwell in shame or self-criticism but to approach the situation with curiosity and a commitment to repair. After all, therapy is a relational process, and relationships are messy. How you handle these moments can deepen trust and demonstrate to your clients that repair is possible—even after a misstep.

Assessing Whether to Address It or Not

Before bringing up the mistake in session, take time to reflect and assess the situation.

Take Some Time to Reflect and Access Your Support Network

• Consider your client’s reaction. If they had a strong emotional response (a "10" on the reaction scale), addressing it is likely necessary. If it was a mild reaction (a "1, 2, or 3"), it might be more of a personal reflection opportunity. Remember that sometimes these reactions maybe more on the dissociative scale, so you will need to assess and evaluate for this. 

• Seek consultation from colleagues or a supervisor. Sometimes an outside perspective helps clarify the best course of action.

Consider: Are You Repairing for Your Sake or the Client’s Sake?

• Ensure that your motivation is rooted in your client’s well-being, not just alleviating your own discomfort. This is where consultation can be key. Sometimes we can't see outside of our own experience with situations like this.  

• Avoid making the client responsible for your feelings. A repair should not burden them with the task of making you feel better. We can do our own work as therapists to heal through our stuff. Our job in this case is to help the client first and foremost!  
  

Addressing the Mistake

If you’ve determined that a repair is necessary, here’s one way to approach it:

1) Acknowledge the Mistake

Start by bringing it up in a way that feels natural and non-defensive. For example:

• “Hey, I was thinking about our last session…”

• “I’ve been reflecting on something I said, and I want to check in with you about it.”

As my mentor Pete Pearson often says, “I was thinking about our last session. I know I’ve got to get a life, but…” Humor can help lighten the moment, but use it judiciously and only if it aligns with your client’s personality and the therapeutic relationship.

2) Offer a Sincere Apology

A genuine apology can go a long way. Keep it simple and focused:

• “I’m sorry for how I handled that. I dropped the ball. Here's why I think that happened...Here's what I'm doing to prevent it from happening in the future..."

3) Lean In with Curiosity

Invite your client to share their perspective:

• “What's your reaction to me sharing this?"

• “How did it feel when I said/did that?”

This not only validates their experience but also gives you valuable insight into how they process and communicate emotions—a skill that’s especially important for couples therapists to model.

4) Don’t Get Defensive

It’s natural to feel defensive when addressing a mistake, especially if you haven't fully processed yourself first.  But resist the urge to explain or justify your actions. Instead, focus on listening and understanding.

5) Move Along, Incorporating Lessons Learned

Once the repair is made, don’t keep resurfacing it. Acknowledge the issue, address it, and then move forward. This shows your client that mistakes are part of the process and don’t have to derail progress. They will bring it back up if it feels relevant to them. 

6) Don’t Keep Bringing It Up

Rehashing the mistake repeatedly can make the client feel uncomfortable or pressured to reassure you. Trust that the repair was enough and let it go. Of course, keep on the look out for signs that the rupture is still alive for them. And circle back if it feels needed. But I'd recommend seeking consultation if that is the case to get another perspective.  

Remember, Our Clients Don’t Owe Us Anything

It’s important to recognize that our client don’t owe us anything. They especially don't owe us forgiveness, reassurance, or even a response. If they don’t want to talk about it, respect their boundaries and move on.

Acknowledge the Emotional Labor

For many clients, giving feedback or addressing a therapist’s mistake can feel risky and vulnerable. It’s a huge gift when they’re willing to engage in this process, so honor that by being as centered and non-reactive as possible.

Do Your Own Emotional Labor

Your clients are there to work on their own growth, not to manage your emotions. If you’re feeling guilty or anxious about the mistake, process those feelings in supervision, personal therapy, or with your support network.

Attending to Self-Care

Making mistakes is inevitable, but how you handle them can make a difference in your growth as a therapist. If you’re feeling discouraged, take time to care for yourself and reflect on the experience.

What’s in Your Self-Care Toolbox?

Having a strong self-care plan can help you process difficult moments without feeling overwhelmed. Consider tools such as:

• Seeking consultation with colleagues or mentors

• Engaging in personal therapy

• Practicing mindfulness and self-compassion

• Journaling or reflecting on your clinical work

Mistakes can be painful, but they also present an opportunity for learning. By balancing self-care with professional growth, you can continue developing as a therapist without being weighed down by self-judgment.

Committing to Professional Growth

Finally, use this experience as a stepping stone for professional development. If you notice a pattern in your mistakes, take proactive steps to improve. This might include additional training, supervision, or reading about relevant topics. Consider revisiting previous discussions, such as “Being an LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapist (Part 1): I Think I’m Getting Triggered in Session” and “Being an LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapist (Part 2): Finding Support to Do Your Best Work.”

Therapists don’t need to be perfect—they just need to be willing to learn, grow, and show up with authenticity. When mistakes happen, view them not as failures, but as opportunities to build stronger therapeutic relationships. By modeling humility, repair, and growth, you offer your clients a powerful example of resilience and self-compassion